PART THREE: Chapter Two

Chapter Two

     Although  my soul often felt empty, I began a period of peace and reflection. It was during these quiet and peaceful times of reflection that I sensed the presence of God all around me. I sensed His presence in a gentle breeze, the rustle of the trees or the gentle blush of dawn. My soul was at peace and others would often comment and observe my new manner. I could spend hours when I was not at work or class sitting on my sofa gazing at the sky, a soft smile upon my face as though I were listening to something. I cannot actually explain this period of time in my life without seeming odd because my spirit comprehends it fully while the rest of my being just accepts it. I felt that God and I had a tight relationship. When RoJacks took over Edwards, they severely cut the hours of veteran employees like me instead of outright laying us off. I found myself short on funds due to lack of hours but, for some reason, I had faith that God would help me. I had no one else to rely upon but Him. I recall one time, I was unable to pay my rent which was due in a few days. My prayer to God was like a conversation with my best friend. I thanked Him for all that He had done and promised I'd thank and praise Him for helping me. After I had finished with my prayer, I had confidence that He would help me and He did. Before the rent was due, I received a refund check of twelve hundred dollars-far more than my rent- from my college loans. I rushed to the bank and was not only able to pay my rent for the month but for a few months. I did not forget to thank and praise God and I could not believe that He actually answered my prayers. Despite my relationship with God, I still had a void deep within my soul.

     I continued to long for the companionship of another human being to replace the lack of love from my parents. Many people on campus didn't fully understand me and some even labeled me "odd". I didn't want to be a mystery to others but I didn't want to let them get too close to me, either. I had the bad habit of looking for love in the wrong places because love was something I wanted more than anything. In regards to boyfriends in college, I had only the one who went into a cult and that relationship happened by accident.

     I was walking home from working at the library one night and I saw him dancing and walking simultaneously ahead of me.  He and I went to high school together and were the same age. Due to some personal problems he and his family were having, he didn't graduate when I did. He had appeared in my life a few weeks before this particular night when we were riding the city bus and he invited me to his breakdancing performance. I brushed off his invitation and hadn't seen him again until this night. At the time, I wasn't aware he was staying with his mother and her boyfriend who just happened to live behind my apartment complex. When he noticed I was behind him, he laughed and said, "I didn't know you were behind me, Candace. Color me red!" I laughed as well. He walked me to the door of my apartment and asked if he could visit me one day. He told me that he promised not to try anything and he held true to his promise. We became good friends. I felt comfortable around him. Our friendship was all so innocent. The attention he gave me was sweet. One afternoon, he had asked me if I'd be his girlfriend and I agreed. He was the first guy who had ever kissed me. I liked the innocence of holding hands and was devastated when our brief relationship came to an end. I felt in my heart no one would ever like me like that again. He didn't run away when I told him about my abuse as a child and, after he left for the cult, I felt like a fool for bearing my soul to him. I promised myself that I'd never do that to again, a promise I did not keep.

     Unfortunately, my desperation for love was written on my forehead and people could often read it in my eyes before my lips spoke anything. This was bad for me as it often made me the one used and tossed aside by men claiming to love me. During one of my college years, I thought I was dating one of the basketball players on campus who was extremely kind to me and even professed to love me. Despite his claim of love for me, I refused to give up my body to him. He continued to be kind to me, and came to my apartment one Christmas Eve with a gift for me and a pile of gifts for his family that he and I wrapped together. Shortly afterwards, he landed a main part in a play on campus and his kindness towards me began to fade away. Nevertheless, he continued to tell me he was still interested in me but was just so busy with the theatre, basketball and classes. I didn't realize what was actually happening until  two friends of mine had asked him what he was going to get me for Valentine's Day during a Valentine's Day sale in the cafeteria. In response, he told my friends that he had nothing to do with me and that people "needed to stop going around saying he and I were dating". When word of this got back to me, I wrote him off without even telling him. Afterall, we weren't really dating, now were we? He had no idea I knew what had transpired that same afternoon when he came to visit me at work as he had always done in the library. He was angry when I treated him as if he were just another library patron looking for some help and angrily stormed out of the library. One of my friends who lived on campus had called me at the library telling me that he had called her screaming and asking her what she had said to me because I was "being cold to him". She didn't answer him directly but played the same game I had and asked him why he was so worried about someone he was not even dating.
     This basketball player was very popular on campus and had many girls attracted to him and he was well aware of it. Although I felt very sad because he was ashamed to let others know he was dating me, I  continued to walk go about my daily routines. I cried a lot when no one was around. Why didn't anyone want to be with me? Was I that hideous that I was an embarrassment? My friends were very encouraging and actually felt sorry for me. I had allowed myself to be hurt yet again. Maybe my father was right when he said that I was "only good enough for one thing" and that no one would want me for anything else but that. If I didn't let them have my body, then they had no use for me.
     I did continue to see this basketball player on campus and he continued calling me and tried talking to me  but each time, I gave him the coldest of the cold shoulders. A male friend of mine would pretend to be dating me whenever the basketball player tried talking to me. He'd put his arm around me or sit close to me and stare the six-foot four basketball player straight in the eyes. These actions often created an awkward moment for the basketball player and a humorous one for my friend. One day, my friend wanted to talk to me about a problem he was having and decided to walk me to my apartment talk to me while he was on his hour lunch break from work. I noticed  the basketball player and his basketball buddies walking behind us on their way to their dorm which was close to my off-campus apartment. Aware of their presence, my friend suddenly grabbed me, pulling me close to him and shouted, "Candace, I NEED you!" which sent me into fits of uncontrollable laughter. I wanted to see the reaction on the faces of the jock crew behind us but didn't want to make it obvious. They stopped at their dorm and sat on the stairs which were in full view of my apartment at the bottom of the hill. They watched us walk down the hill to my apartment.
      Looking over his shoulder, my friend said, "Let's go inside for a bit."
      Aware of how he wanted this action to appear, I exclaimed, "Are you crazy? They"ll beat you up!"
     "Yeah, but this is going to be fun." he replied, puffing out his chest. After a half hour of him playing with my new kitten and him glaring out the window at the crew who were still sitting on the steps, my friend decided it was time to leave.
     "Don't walk me out." my friend said. My friend smoked and his girlfriend who was also my good friend had been trying to get him to quit and he was making great progress. I reprimanded him, when he reached for his cigarette and lighter in his back pocket.
     "What are you doing?" I screamed.
     Winking at me, he walked toward the door. "Watch this. This is gonna be fun. This is for you." Standing outside my first floor apartment door, he lit his cigarette, puffed a few times and headed up the hill past the crowd of basketball players sitting on the steps. When my friend arrived at work, he called me to excitedly tell me how he confidently walked past the crew, puffing his cigarette and how the basketball player who was my ex glared at him and mumbled something to one member of his crew. My friend and I had a great laugh. I needed a lot of cheering up. I had been so embarrassed that, at times, I felt as if everyone on campus were secretly laughing at me.
     When was I going to learn that no one but God could replace the emptiness within my soul? Why did I continue to try to bandage the hurt with human comfort? I had to first deal with my past and understand them before I could truthfully love myself before someone could truthfully love me in return. I wasn't done making mistakes and getting hurt. During my senior year of college, I made a very big mistake that eventually cost me my tight relationship with God. I truly believe that I had let the devil himself into my little world and almost paid for it with my life.