Lost touch with my soul
I had no where to turn
I had no where to go
Lost sight of my dream,
Thought it would be the end of me
I thought I’d never make it through
I had no hope to hold on to,
I thought I would break
I didn’t know my own strength
And I crashed down, and I tumbled
But I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
I didn’t know my own strength
Survived my darkest hour
My faith kept me alive
I picked myself back up
Hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn’t know my own strength
Found hope in my heart,
I found the light to life
My way out of the dark
Found all that I need
Here inside of me
I thought I’d never find my way
I thought I’d never lift that weight
I thought I would break
I didn’t know my own strength
And I crashed down, and I tumbled
But I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
I didn’t know my own strength
Survived my darkest hour
My faith kept me alive
I picked myself back up
Hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn’t know my own strength
There were so many times I
Wondered how I’d get through the night I
Thought took all I could take
I didn’t know my own strength
And I crashed down, and I tumbled
But I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
I didn’t know my own strength
Survived my darkest hour
My faith kept me alive
I picked myself back up
Hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn’t know my own strength
I had no where to turn
I had no where to go
Lost sight of my dream,
Thought it would be the end of me
I thought I’d never make it through
I had no hope to hold on to,
I thought I would break
I didn’t know my own strength
And I crashed down, and I tumbled
But I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
I didn’t know my own strength
Survived my darkest hour
My faith kept me alive
I picked myself back up
Hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn’t know my own strength
Found hope in my heart,
I found the light to life
My way out of the dark
Found all that I need
Here inside of me
I thought I’d never find my way
I thought I’d never lift that weight
I thought I would break
I didn’t know my own strength
And I crashed down, and I tumbled
But I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
I didn’t know my own strength
Survived my darkest hour
My faith kept me alive
I picked myself back up
Hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn’t know my own strength
There were so many times I
Wondered how I’d get through the night I
Thought took all I could take
I didn’t know my own strength
And I crashed down, and I tumbled
But I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
I didn’t know my own strength
Survived my darkest hour
My faith kept me alive
I picked myself back up
Hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn’t know my own strength
Whitney Houston (vocals), written by Diane Warren
"I Didn't Know My Own Strength"
I Look To You, 2009 , RCA/JIVE Label Group
Chapter One:
I don't remember how it happened but I was at the beginning of a roller coaster ride that would cause me to reach an all time low and would eventually cause me to lose myself and my close relationship with God. I no longer recognized myself when I looked in the mirror each morning. Gone were the dreams and ambitions I had for myself and my future. Gone was my world of peace and meditation. Gone were my friends. Who was I? What was happening to me and why couldn't I just run away?
Eric, the Prince Charming, who had captivated my soul at my college winter ball my senior year wasn't what or who I thought he was. When I slowly began to uncover evidence of his repeated deceptions, I continued to permit him in my life as if it were beyond my control.
Christmas Day of my senior year, one semester before I graduated, I had my first date with Eric. He took me to the movies and handed me a stuffed animal as a present. After the movie, he dropped me off at my apartment. We went on several more dates and, each time, he widened the circle of people he introduced me to. I didn't like the people in his circle and I didn't like being paraded in front of them. Something about them just didn't set right with me yet I fell full into the darkness of what was becoming my new world.
Eventually, Eric wormed his way into my apartment as a resident. It was a night he and his father had a big argument and, according to Eric, his father threw him out because he refused to help with the bills. After all, Eric was twenty-six years old and I assumed he worked because he wasn't in school. At first, I enjoyed his company and I loved cooking for him. Soon afterwards, he was borrowing my beat up car and not showing up on time to pick me up from work. A friend of mine told me I should have never allowed him to live with me. I assumed she was jealous because she didn't have a boyfriend. Someone liked me and wanted to be with me, or so I thought!
Physically, Eric began to turn into someone who was not the Prince Charming I met. His hair began to look unkempt and messy. It looked as though he never even tried to comb it. It was no longer smooth and clean. I realized that he was shorter than I and one of his legs were longer than the other which caused him to walk with a limp. He became so unattractive yet I settled on thinking that he was all I could or would ever get. My cat often hissed at him. On one occasion, I picked up my cat as usual but he turned toward my face, hissed and tried to scratch me. Confused, I dropped the cat and chose to ignore the my cat's warning. One day while I was working, Eric had his best friend over and informed me that the cat attacked his friend. My once friendly and loving cat Merlin had become vicious and angry and it was more than jealously. Instead of giving the boot to Eric, I gave my cat away to my supervisor at work. Eric sat on my couch and ignored me when I cried hysterically as I handed my cat over to my supervisor. He did not comfort me nor show any sign of compassion. Crying, I begged for sympathy but he just mumbled something about my cat being "just a dumb cat" and left me crying by myself. Why did I allow myself to be treated so horribly? Why did I give up my cat, the cat I loved so much? What was wrong with me?
Around this time, I began my final semester of college. My major was English and I was going to be a teacher at the secondary level. I had dreams of moving to Arizona to teach and just to get away from Rhode Island, the place of much pain for me. I dreamed of warm weather, tequila-colored sunlight and freedom. I had researched school systems in Arizona and found that there was a need for teachers there. I had planned to go but I suddenly became afraid. Never having lived in any other state on my own before, I was afraid to leave Rhode Island. I spent days second-guessing myself. Who was I kidding? I thought I'd never survive out there. I missed the teacher application date because I spent too much time pondering my fears. Nevertheless, I went through my student-teaching semester, enduring mistreatment from Eric just so I could get my degree. I was wiling to shed blood in order to get it. My supervising teacher knew something was wrong the one time he met Eric He he clearly see that Eric was not the man for me. He tried to encourage me to go out with another student teacher at the school who would be graduating with me but I felt a loyalty to Eric even though he had not moved fully into my apartment yet and was, thus, staying with his cousin. I also thought that the other student teacher was gay and wouldn't be interested in me anyway. If he weren't gay, he was too nice to be a boyfriend of mine.
Everyone could see the danger in my relationship with Eric but me. Eric would tell me that his cousin's pregnant girlfriend repeatedly made passes at him yet he gave her his sweaters to wear and would often be alone at his cousin's place with her. I was too focused on my coursework and my student-teaching to examiner the obvious: that I was being played for a fool and that Eric seemed to always have a lot of free time on his hands during the day, hands that should have been working a job.
Graduation Day had arrived. I had not invited any of my immediate family because I didn't think they deserved it. After all, why should they be a part of something I had worked hard for when all they did was hurt me? The graduation was in the newspaper, however, just as they always were. I was told via a friend of my father's that they had shown him my name in the paper and that my mother read it, too, on her own. I secretly felt a victory. They had tried so hard to ruin me but I was dead set on being someone important, come hell or high water. Although I had slipped away from God with the onset of my relationship with Eric, God had never let me fall and continued to watch over me.
Clothed in my cap and gown, I held my head high as I walked with my other fellow college graduates. The weather was beautiful despite the very hot temperature. My friend in front of me in the processional line complained about the heat and, laughing, I helped her straighten out her robe. From the processional line next to me, I froze as I heard a familiar voice. "This heat sucks!" the voice said. When I turned to look, my eyes locked with those of the young man who had been my admirer for such a long time throughout my college years. I had wondered where he had gone my last year. After I had finally left my father's house, I felt it was too late to try to talk to him despite the fact that he still came into the library every week, always walked past me and made sure to shyly greet me. I'd always try to say something but all I could never get beyond, "Hi! How are you? Great! Have a great day!" I would panic when I'd see him coming in and I'd feel my throat tighten. Looking at him on graduation day, I felt a sudden, knowing sadness because because I didn't try hard enough and had therefore missed my chance. I could tell, too, there was a feeling of loss and hurt in his eyes. We both knew we had both missed our chance at being together but we were both not going to do anything about it I didn't mean to hurt him. All I could manage on this special day was a smile. I smiled and turned quickly before he could see the tears in my eyes. I would think of him for many, many years mentally kicking myself for letting him slip away. Here I was dating Eric, a guy of no comparison and there, just a few feet away from me, was this young man who had gone out on a limb for me and I let him down. I knew he knew I was dating Eric. Everyone knew and many disapproved.
Graduation had ended. I was surprised when a girl with whom I graduated high school, pushed her way through the crowd to hand me a white rose. "Congratulations, Candace! You did it!" she shouted. I had not expected to see her. I hugged her tightly. I was happy someone was there to hug me. Over her shoulder, I saw a limp I recognized as one belonging to Eric who walked up to me with balloons and flowers. The smile on his face reminded me of a smile satan might wear. Later that evening, he took me to a party at his parents' house. There was food, cake, music and alcohol. I had my first taste of alcohol. The wine cooler burned my throat and sent my mind into a daze. It was the beginning of my life's downward spiral.
Chapter One:
I don't remember how it happened but I was at the beginning of a roller coaster ride that would cause me to reach an all time low and would eventually cause me to lose myself and my close relationship with God. I no longer recognized myself when I looked in the mirror each morning. Gone were the dreams and ambitions I had for myself and my future. Gone was my world of peace and meditation. Gone were my friends. Who was I? What was happening to me and why couldn't I just run away?
Eric, the Prince Charming, who had captivated my soul at my college winter ball my senior year wasn't what or who I thought he was. When I slowly began to uncover evidence of his repeated deceptions, I continued to permit him in my life as if it were beyond my control.
Christmas Day of my senior year, one semester before I graduated, I had my first date with Eric. He took me to the movies and handed me a stuffed animal as a present. After the movie, he dropped me off at my apartment. We went on several more dates and, each time, he widened the circle of people he introduced me to. I didn't like the people in his circle and I didn't like being paraded in front of them. Something about them just didn't set right with me yet I fell full into the darkness of what was becoming my new world.
Eventually, Eric wormed his way into my apartment as a resident. It was a night he and his father had a big argument and, according to Eric, his father threw him out because he refused to help with the bills. After all, Eric was twenty-six years old and I assumed he worked because he wasn't in school. At first, I enjoyed his company and I loved cooking for him. Soon afterwards, he was borrowing my beat up car and not showing up on time to pick me up from work. A friend of mine told me I should have never allowed him to live with me. I assumed she was jealous because she didn't have a boyfriend. Someone liked me and wanted to be with me, or so I thought!
Physically, Eric began to turn into someone who was not the Prince Charming I met. His hair began to look unkempt and messy. It looked as though he never even tried to comb it. It was no longer smooth and clean. I realized that he was shorter than I and one of his legs were longer than the other which caused him to walk with a limp. He became so unattractive yet I settled on thinking that he was all I could or would ever get. My cat often hissed at him. On one occasion, I picked up my cat as usual but he turned toward my face, hissed and tried to scratch me. Confused, I dropped the cat and chose to ignore the my cat's warning. One day while I was working, Eric had his best friend over and informed me that the cat attacked his friend. My once friendly and loving cat Merlin had become vicious and angry and it was more than jealously. Instead of giving the boot to Eric, I gave my cat away to my supervisor at work. Eric sat on my couch and ignored me when I cried hysterically as I handed my cat over to my supervisor. He did not comfort me nor show any sign of compassion. Crying, I begged for sympathy but he just mumbled something about my cat being "just a dumb cat" and left me crying by myself. Why did I allow myself to be treated so horribly? Why did I give up my cat, the cat I loved so much? What was wrong with me?
Around this time, I began my final semester of college. My major was English and I was going to be a teacher at the secondary level. I had dreams of moving to Arizona to teach and just to get away from Rhode Island, the place of much pain for me. I dreamed of warm weather, tequila-colored sunlight and freedom. I had researched school systems in Arizona and found that there was a need for teachers there. I had planned to go but I suddenly became afraid. Never having lived in any other state on my own before, I was afraid to leave Rhode Island. I spent days second-guessing myself. Who was I kidding? I thought I'd never survive out there. I missed the teacher application date because I spent too much time pondering my fears. Nevertheless, I went through my student-teaching semester, enduring mistreatment from Eric just so I could get my degree. I was wiling to shed blood in order to get it. My supervising teacher knew something was wrong the one time he met Eric He he clearly see that Eric was not the man for me. He tried to encourage me to go out with another student teacher at the school who would be graduating with me but I felt a loyalty to Eric even though he had not moved fully into my apartment yet and was, thus, staying with his cousin. I also thought that the other student teacher was gay and wouldn't be interested in me anyway. If he weren't gay, he was too nice to be a boyfriend of mine.
Everyone could see the danger in my relationship with Eric but me. Eric would tell me that his cousin's pregnant girlfriend repeatedly made passes at him yet he gave her his sweaters to wear and would often be alone at his cousin's place with her. I was too focused on my coursework and my student-teaching to examiner the obvious: that I was being played for a fool and that Eric seemed to always have a lot of free time on his hands during the day, hands that should have been working a job.
Graduation Day had arrived. I had not invited any of my immediate family because I didn't think they deserved it. After all, why should they be a part of something I had worked hard for when all they did was hurt me? The graduation was in the newspaper, however, just as they always were. I was told via a friend of my father's that they had shown him my name in the paper and that my mother read it, too, on her own. I secretly felt a victory. They had tried so hard to ruin me but I was dead set on being someone important, come hell or high water. Although I had slipped away from God with the onset of my relationship with Eric, God had never let me fall and continued to watch over me.
Clothed in my cap and gown, I held my head high as I walked with my other fellow college graduates. The weather was beautiful despite the very hot temperature. My friend in front of me in the processional line complained about the heat and, laughing, I helped her straighten out her robe. From the processional line next to me, I froze as I heard a familiar voice. "This heat sucks!" the voice said. When I turned to look, my eyes locked with those of the young man who had been my admirer for such a long time throughout my college years. I had wondered where he had gone my last year. After I had finally left my father's house, I felt it was too late to try to talk to him despite the fact that he still came into the library every week, always walked past me and made sure to shyly greet me. I'd always try to say something but all I could never get beyond, "Hi! How are you? Great! Have a great day!" I would panic when I'd see him coming in and I'd feel my throat tighten. Looking at him on graduation day, I felt a sudden, knowing sadness because because I didn't try hard enough and had therefore missed my chance. I could tell, too, there was a feeling of loss and hurt in his eyes. We both knew we had both missed our chance at being together but we were both not going to do anything about it I didn't mean to hurt him. All I could manage on this special day was a smile. I smiled and turned quickly before he could see the tears in my eyes. I would think of him for many, many years mentally kicking myself for letting him slip away. Here I was dating Eric, a guy of no comparison and there, just a few feet away from me, was this young man who had gone out on a limb for me and I let him down. I knew he knew I was dating Eric. Everyone knew and many disapproved.
Graduation had ended. I was surprised when a girl with whom I graduated high school, pushed her way through the crowd to hand me a white rose. "Congratulations, Candace! You did it!" she shouted. I had not expected to see her. I hugged her tightly. I was happy someone was there to hug me. Over her shoulder, I saw a limp I recognized as one belonging to Eric who walked up to me with balloons and flowers. The smile on his face reminded me of a smile satan might wear. Later that evening, he took me to a party at his parents' house. There was food, cake, music and alcohol. I had my first taste of alcohol. The wine cooler burned my throat and sent my mind into a daze. It was the beginning of my life's downward spiral.
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