PART FOUR: Chapter Two
The days following my college graduation, I worried about landing a teaching job. I had job applications with the Providence, Lincoln and Coventry School Departments. During the summer of 1998, I worked at Cafe Luna in Cranston's Garden City. It was money in my pocket and I worked nearly every day. I worked from opening until just before the shift change for the dinner crowd. The customers love me and tipped me heavily I told my boss about my search for a teaching job. I didn't want to have worked so hard just to end up working in a cafe. I would work all morning and Eric would take my car to supposedly go to work as well. He got out before I did, so he was able to pick me up from work. I thought it would be fair to share instead of having him walk or take the bus.
One day at work, I grew very ill. I was dizzy and it was not good practice to have ill workers around food. I knew Eric was available so I called home to see if he would be able to pick me up. By this time, I had moved into a luxury apartment complex in Cranston and was foolish enough to take Eric along with me. It was I who paid for all of the moving expenses and the first few months of rent since Eric claimed he had court fines to pay due to being unfairly charged with assault from an old girlfriend who cheated on him. I was foolish to give him the benefit of the doubt.
On the day I was ill at work, I repeatedly called the house because he was usually home taking a nap after work or so he claimed. No answer. A guy who worked in the kitchen at my job offered to take me home. He was a really nice guy, a good friend, and I trusted him not to do anything bad. Upon arrival at my apartment complex, I spotted my car parked in the parking lot. After thanking my coworker, I rang the outside buzzer to be let in since I had forgotten my keys. I waited. No response. He could have been at the pool since it was definitely hot enough and he liked to swim. I pressed the buzzer again and waited. My back to the street, I began to cry. My coworker who wouldn't leave until I was inside, rolled down his window and asked if I wanted him to wait or if I'd like to be taken back to work. Forcing a smile, I turned to face him and said that it was ok, I'd be fine. He asked me if I were sure and I nodded, thanking him. He reluctantly drove away and I turned back to the door. Finally, someone from one of the other apartments came out and I was able to get into the building. I tiredly dragged my sick body up the flight of stairs to the third floor. Pressing my ear to the door of my apartment, I heard muffled voices which infuriated me. My head was whirling and I could feel my blood begin to boil. Clenching my fingers into a tight ball, I banged on the door like a police officer searching for a criminal. I heard a startled shriek , scrambling and movement. Who the hell else was in there? I could not think and I was beginning to lose my balance. Shortly, Eric opened the door, his teeth stretched into a Cheshire Cat grin. I screamed that I had called him and he said he didn't hear the phone. I told him that the apartment was small and that there was no way he didn't hear it! I suddenly felt as though I was going to vomit. I wanted to check the closet by the door as I suspected someone was hiding in there. He stood next to the closet, still grinning. I swayed on my heels. I had to get to the bedroom. Somehow, I managed to make it to the bedroom and the last image I saw before I lost consciousness, was the Cheshire Cat grin on Eric's face as he closed the bedroom door and he and whoever was hiding in the apartment creaked shut the apartment door.
When I was well enough to return to work, I told myself I'd focus on getting a teaching job. I saw that as my way away from Eric, Rhode Island and my old life. Eric had tried to apologize to me by buying me a dozen roses and giving them to me at work. I waited until we got home before I threw the roses on the floor, stomped on them and unleashed an angry , violent stream of curses. I was never a person to curse but somewhere from some deep cavern of my soul erupted a volcanic explosion of the most vile curses known to man. This was our first of many violent arguments. There was no peace in our relationship. I was so angry and hurt. Eric became angry as well. He took his motorcycle helmet and flung it at all of my beautiful figurines on the living room shelf, sending them crashing to the floor in a screeching shatter. Instantly, I was silent and he began to loudly curse at me. His hands in his head, he stormed to the bedroom with that irritating limp of his and cried. Silently standing in the kitchen alone, I simmered like the volcano after an eruption and promised myself that I would get away from him but I will have to be prepared first.
Shortly after my first argument with Eric, I was asked to teach short-term at my old high school. I was working at the cafe one day when one of my favorite high school teachers walked in and instantly recognized me. He was the new principal and when I told him of my graduation, he invited me to the school the following day to take a short-term position for a teacher who was having a baby. To me, a short-term position was better than a no-term position. Since I had forbade Eric to use my car after the argument and since he began not coming home, I was able to go meet my former teacher at the school the following day. My boss at work was so happy for me, she told me to go and not miss it for anything. I was given the position on the spot as well as lead across the street to the school department's administrative building in order to meet the women in charge of hiring the high school teachers. I was so excited and happy to have the position. I got right to work, pouring over the curriculum for the English department.
Despite my having graduated from the high school, I was very intimidated. I began to doubt myself and wondered if this were something I could really do. When Eric began to show up again, I excitedly told him the news wrongly assuming he'd be happy for me. He was cold. By this time, I had discovered that Eric graduated from Mount Pleasant High School at the age of 26 because he skipped classes and even whole years. He also couldn't read, something I could not comprehend. He had used some girls to do his work and somehow managed to earn enough credits to graduate. It was like my father all over again. How could I be with someone who couldn't read and who had no hunger to learn about the world? Oh, no, he had to go but how was I going to do it?
About a week after landing the temporary job at Classical, my old high school, I received a call from the principal of Oliver Hazard Perry Middle School. The principal asked me, "How would you like a full-time, permanent position at my school?" Full time? Heck, that was great! I couldn't believe my ears! In my selfish excitement, I did not thank God for opening this door for me and I almost did not get the position. I was supposed to go in for an interview the very next afternoon. Eric had asked to use my car for a medical appointment and I had already agreed but it was in the morning and surely, he'd be back in time so I could make it to my interview. I told him of my interview the night before and he agreed he would be back in time, only he wasn't. Dressed in my best suit, I waited and waited for him to show. Nothing. Maybe he was in an accident? I called the school telling them what was going on and the principal seemed to understand. Finally, an hour later, Eric showed and I shoved him out the door telling him I was late for my interview. He mumbled something about it just being a "stupid interview" and that I won't get the position anyway. I tried to ignore him because I knew he was just insecure since he never tried to do anything for himself besides play video games all afternoon. I was always helping him and trying to encourage him to do something for himself. He signed up for and went to his CDL classes but never attended class. He even signed up for and paid for his motorcycle license and stopped going after he was told he'd have to take a test. So, his situation was not my fault and I was not going to let him blow my chances at success.
Thankfully, I was given the position on the spot and given the keys to my classroom. I eagerly asked if I could go look at my room and what I saw horrified me. The room was dark, dusty and musty. It looked as if no one had been in the room since 1976. In fact, I thought found yellowed mimeographed papers in the draw of an old wooden cabinet that dated back to that year. I had a lot of work to do and I was going to do it. As I waited outside for Eric to return to pick me up, I contemplated my soon-to-be new life. It would be hard breaking the news to Classical but they'd understand.
First year teachers in Providence who had only a Bachelors made $25,000 a year but to me that was big money. I had never made that much before. I was so excited. Eric no longer fit into my world. The next two years would be difficult for me as I pursued my career and struggled to help Eric better himself so that he could become an academic equal to me. It was a battle that I would lose. Eric was stubborn, jealous and insecure. As the years progressed, he'd become angrier at me for being a professional and resorted to emotional and physical methods to make me pay for humiliating him with my success. He would even show up to my school, looking unkempt and angry to embarrass me. My colleagues thought so highly of me that I was too ashamed to tell them the truth of what was going on. I hid bruises with long sleeves and smiles. Being at school made me feel strong, respected and in control. Why couldn't I see what Eric was doing to me? Why was I so afraid of him?
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
PART FOUR: Chapter One
Lost touch with my soul
I had no where to turn
I had no where to go
Lost sight of my dream,
Thought it would be the end of me
I thought I’d never make it through
I had no hope to hold on to,
I thought I would break
I didn’t know my own strength
And I crashed down, and I tumbled
But I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
I didn’t know my own strength
Survived my darkest hour
My faith kept me alive
I picked myself back up
Hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn’t know my own strength
Found hope in my heart,
I found the light to life
My way out of the dark
Found all that I need
Here inside of me
I thought I’d never find my way
I thought I’d never lift that weight
I thought I would break
I didn’t know my own strength
And I crashed down, and I tumbled
But I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
I didn’t know my own strength
Survived my darkest hour
My faith kept me alive
I picked myself back up
Hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn’t know my own strength
There were so many times I
Wondered how I’d get through the night I
Thought took all I could take
I didn’t know my own strength
And I crashed down, and I tumbled
But I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
I didn’t know my own strength
Survived my darkest hour
My faith kept me alive
I picked myself back up
Hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn’t know my own strength
I had no where to turn
I had no where to go
Lost sight of my dream,
Thought it would be the end of me
I thought I’d never make it through
I had no hope to hold on to,
I thought I would break
I didn’t know my own strength
And I crashed down, and I tumbled
But I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
I didn’t know my own strength
Survived my darkest hour
My faith kept me alive
I picked myself back up
Hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn’t know my own strength
Found hope in my heart,
I found the light to life
My way out of the dark
Found all that I need
Here inside of me
I thought I’d never find my way
I thought I’d never lift that weight
I thought I would break
I didn’t know my own strength
And I crashed down, and I tumbled
But I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
I didn’t know my own strength
Survived my darkest hour
My faith kept me alive
I picked myself back up
Hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn’t know my own strength
There were so many times I
Wondered how I’d get through the night I
Thought took all I could take
I didn’t know my own strength
And I crashed down, and I tumbled
But I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
I didn’t know my own strength
Survived my darkest hour
My faith kept me alive
I picked myself back up
Hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn’t know my own strength
Whitney Houston (vocals), written by Diane Warren
"I Didn't Know My Own Strength"
I Look To You, 2009 , RCA/JIVE Label Group
Chapter One:
I don't remember how it happened but I was at the beginning of a roller coaster ride that would cause me to reach an all time low and would eventually cause me to lose myself and my close relationship with God. I no longer recognized myself when I looked in the mirror each morning. Gone were the dreams and ambitions I had for myself and my future. Gone was my world of peace and meditation. Gone were my friends. Who was I? What was happening to me and why couldn't I just run away?
Eric, the Prince Charming, who had captivated my soul at my college winter ball my senior year wasn't what or who I thought he was. When I slowly began to uncover evidence of his repeated deceptions, I continued to permit him in my life as if it were beyond my control.
Christmas Day of my senior year, one semester before I graduated, I had my first date with Eric. He took me to the movies and handed me a stuffed animal as a present. After the movie, he dropped me off at my apartment. We went on several more dates and, each time, he widened the circle of people he introduced me to. I didn't like the people in his circle and I didn't like being paraded in front of them. Something about them just didn't set right with me yet I fell full into the darkness of what was becoming my new world.
Eventually, Eric wormed his way into my apartment as a resident. It was a night he and his father had a big argument and, according to Eric, his father threw him out because he refused to help with the bills. After all, Eric was twenty-six years old and I assumed he worked because he wasn't in school. At first, I enjoyed his company and I loved cooking for him. Soon afterwards, he was borrowing my beat up car and not showing up on time to pick me up from work. A friend of mine told me I should have never allowed him to live with me. I assumed she was jealous because she didn't have a boyfriend. Someone liked me and wanted to be with me, or so I thought!
Physically, Eric began to turn into someone who was not the Prince Charming I met. His hair began to look unkempt and messy. It looked as though he never even tried to comb it. It was no longer smooth and clean. I realized that he was shorter than I and one of his legs were longer than the other which caused him to walk with a limp. He became so unattractive yet I settled on thinking that he was all I could or would ever get. My cat often hissed at him. On one occasion, I picked up my cat as usual but he turned toward my face, hissed and tried to scratch me. Confused, I dropped the cat and chose to ignore the my cat's warning. One day while I was working, Eric had his best friend over and informed me that the cat attacked his friend. My once friendly and loving cat Merlin had become vicious and angry and it was more than jealously. Instead of giving the boot to Eric, I gave my cat away to my supervisor at work. Eric sat on my couch and ignored me when I cried hysterically as I handed my cat over to my supervisor. He did not comfort me nor show any sign of compassion. Crying, I begged for sympathy but he just mumbled something about my cat being "just a dumb cat" and left me crying by myself. Why did I allow myself to be treated so horribly? Why did I give up my cat, the cat I loved so much? What was wrong with me?
Around this time, I began my final semester of college. My major was English and I was going to be a teacher at the secondary level. I had dreams of moving to Arizona to teach and just to get away from Rhode Island, the place of much pain for me. I dreamed of warm weather, tequila-colored sunlight and freedom. I had researched school systems in Arizona and found that there was a need for teachers there. I had planned to go but I suddenly became afraid. Never having lived in any other state on my own before, I was afraid to leave Rhode Island. I spent days second-guessing myself. Who was I kidding? I thought I'd never survive out there. I missed the teacher application date because I spent too much time pondering my fears. Nevertheless, I went through my student-teaching semester, enduring mistreatment from Eric just so I could get my degree. I was wiling to shed blood in order to get it. My supervising teacher knew something was wrong the one time he met Eric He he clearly see that Eric was not the man for me. He tried to encourage me to go out with another student teacher at the school who would be graduating with me but I felt a loyalty to Eric even though he had not moved fully into my apartment yet and was, thus, staying with his cousin. I also thought that the other student teacher was gay and wouldn't be interested in me anyway. If he weren't gay, he was too nice to be a boyfriend of mine.
Everyone could see the danger in my relationship with Eric but me. Eric would tell me that his cousin's pregnant girlfriend repeatedly made passes at him yet he gave her his sweaters to wear and would often be alone at his cousin's place with her. I was too focused on my coursework and my student-teaching to examiner the obvious: that I was being played for a fool and that Eric seemed to always have a lot of free time on his hands during the day, hands that should have been working a job.
Graduation Day had arrived. I had not invited any of my immediate family because I didn't think they deserved it. After all, why should they be a part of something I had worked hard for when all they did was hurt me? The graduation was in the newspaper, however, just as they always were. I was told via a friend of my father's that they had shown him my name in the paper and that my mother read it, too, on her own. I secretly felt a victory. They had tried so hard to ruin me but I was dead set on being someone important, come hell or high water. Although I had slipped away from God with the onset of my relationship with Eric, God had never let me fall and continued to watch over me.
Clothed in my cap and gown, I held my head high as I walked with my other fellow college graduates. The weather was beautiful despite the very hot temperature. My friend in front of me in the processional line complained about the heat and, laughing, I helped her straighten out her robe. From the processional line next to me, I froze as I heard a familiar voice. "This heat sucks!" the voice said. When I turned to look, my eyes locked with those of the young man who had been my admirer for such a long time throughout my college years. I had wondered where he had gone my last year. After I had finally left my father's house, I felt it was too late to try to talk to him despite the fact that he still came into the library every week, always walked past me and made sure to shyly greet me. I'd always try to say something but all I could never get beyond, "Hi! How are you? Great! Have a great day!" I would panic when I'd see him coming in and I'd feel my throat tighten. Looking at him on graduation day, I felt a sudden, knowing sadness because because I didn't try hard enough and had therefore missed my chance. I could tell, too, there was a feeling of loss and hurt in his eyes. We both knew we had both missed our chance at being together but we were both not going to do anything about it I didn't mean to hurt him. All I could manage on this special day was a smile. I smiled and turned quickly before he could see the tears in my eyes. I would think of him for many, many years mentally kicking myself for letting him slip away. Here I was dating Eric, a guy of no comparison and there, just a few feet away from me, was this young man who had gone out on a limb for me and I let him down. I knew he knew I was dating Eric. Everyone knew and many disapproved.
Graduation had ended. I was surprised when a girl with whom I graduated high school, pushed her way through the crowd to hand me a white rose. "Congratulations, Candace! You did it!" she shouted. I had not expected to see her. I hugged her tightly. I was happy someone was there to hug me. Over her shoulder, I saw a limp I recognized as one belonging to Eric who walked up to me with balloons and flowers. The smile on his face reminded me of a smile satan might wear. Later that evening, he took me to a party at his parents' house. There was food, cake, music and alcohol. I had my first taste of alcohol. The wine cooler burned my throat and sent my mind into a daze. It was the beginning of my life's downward spiral.
Chapter One:
I don't remember how it happened but I was at the beginning of a roller coaster ride that would cause me to reach an all time low and would eventually cause me to lose myself and my close relationship with God. I no longer recognized myself when I looked in the mirror each morning. Gone were the dreams and ambitions I had for myself and my future. Gone was my world of peace and meditation. Gone were my friends. Who was I? What was happening to me and why couldn't I just run away?
Eric, the Prince Charming, who had captivated my soul at my college winter ball my senior year wasn't what or who I thought he was. When I slowly began to uncover evidence of his repeated deceptions, I continued to permit him in my life as if it were beyond my control.
Christmas Day of my senior year, one semester before I graduated, I had my first date with Eric. He took me to the movies and handed me a stuffed animal as a present. After the movie, he dropped me off at my apartment. We went on several more dates and, each time, he widened the circle of people he introduced me to. I didn't like the people in his circle and I didn't like being paraded in front of them. Something about them just didn't set right with me yet I fell full into the darkness of what was becoming my new world.
Eventually, Eric wormed his way into my apartment as a resident. It was a night he and his father had a big argument and, according to Eric, his father threw him out because he refused to help with the bills. After all, Eric was twenty-six years old and I assumed he worked because he wasn't in school. At first, I enjoyed his company and I loved cooking for him. Soon afterwards, he was borrowing my beat up car and not showing up on time to pick me up from work. A friend of mine told me I should have never allowed him to live with me. I assumed she was jealous because she didn't have a boyfriend. Someone liked me and wanted to be with me, or so I thought!
Physically, Eric began to turn into someone who was not the Prince Charming I met. His hair began to look unkempt and messy. It looked as though he never even tried to comb it. It was no longer smooth and clean. I realized that he was shorter than I and one of his legs were longer than the other which caused him to walk with a limp. He became so unattractive yet I settled on thinking that he was all I could or would ever get. My cat often hissed at him. On one occasion, I picked up my cat as usual but he turned toward my face, hissed and tried to scratch me. Confused, I dropped the cat and chose to ignore the my cat's warning. One day while I was working, Eric had his best friend over and informed me that the cat attacked his friend. My once friendly and loving cat Merlin had become vicious and angry and it was more than jealously. Instead of giving the boot to Eric, I gave my cat away to my supervisor at work. Eric sat on my couch and ignored me when I cried hysterically as I handed my cat over to my supervisor. He did not comfort me nor show any sign of compassion. Crying, I begged for sympathy but he just mumbled something about my cat being "just a dumb cat" and left me crying by myself. Why did I allow myself to be treated so horribly? Why did I give up my cat, the cat I loved so much? What was wrong with me?
Around this time, I began my final semester of college. My major was English and I was going to be a teacher at the secondary level. I had dreams of moving to Arizona to teach and just to get away from Rhode Island, the place of much pain for me. I dreamed of warm weather, tequila-colored sunlight and freedom. I had researched school systems in Arizona and found that there was a need for teachers there. I had planned to go but I suddenly became afraid. Never having lived in any other state on my own before, I was afraid to leave Rhode Island. I spent days second-guessing myself. Who was I kidding? I thought I'd never survive out there. I missed the teacher application date because I spent too much time pondering my fears. Nevertheless, I went through my student-teaching semester, enduring mistreatment from Eric just so I could get my degree. I was wiling to shed blood in order to get it. My supervising teacher knew something was wrong the one time he met Eric He he clearly see that Eric was not the man for me. He tried to encourage me to go out with another student teacher at the school who would be graduating with me but I felt a loyalty to Eric even though he had not moved fully into my apartment yet and was, thus, staying with his cousin. I also thought that the other student teacher was gay and wouldn't be interested in me anyway. If he weren't gay, he was too nice to be a boyfriend of mine.
Everyone could see the danger in my relationship with Eric but me. Eric would tell me that his cousin's pregnant girlfriend repeatedly made passes at him yet he gave her his sweaters to wear and would often be alone at his cousin's place with her. I was too focused on my coursework and my student-teaching to examiner the obvious: that I was being played for a fool and that Eric seemed to always have a lot of free time on his hands during the day, hands that should have been working a job.
Graduation Day had arrived. I had not invited any of my immediate family because I didn't think they deserved it. After all, why should they be a part of something I had worked hard for when all they did was hurt me? The graduation was in the newspaper, however, just as they always were. I was told via a friend of my father's that they had shown him my name in the paper and that my mother read it, too, on her own. I secretly felt a victory. They had tried so hard to ruin me but I was dead set on being someone important, come hell or high water. Although I had slipped away from God with the onset of my relationship with Eric, God had never let me fall and continued to watch over me.
Clothed in my cap and gown, I held my head high as I walked with my other fellow college graduates. The weather was beautiful despite the very hot temperature. My friend in front of me in the processional line complained about the heat and, laughing, I helped her straighten out her robe. From the processional line next to me, I froze as I heard a familiar voice. "This heat sucks!" the voice said. When I turned to look, my eyes locked with those of the young man who had been my admirer for such a long time throughout my college years. I had wondered where he had gone my last year. After I had finally left my father's house, I felt it was too late to try to talk to him despite the fact that he still came into the library every week, always walked past me and made sure to shyly greet me. I'd always try to say something but all I could never get beyond, "Hi! How are you? Great! Have a great day!" I would panic when I'd see him coming in and I'd feel my throat tighten. Looking at him on graduation day, I felt a sudden, knowing sadness because because I didn't try hard enough and had therefore missed my chance. I could tell, too, there was a feeling of loss and hurt in his eyes. We both knew we had both missed our chance at being together but we were both not going to do anything about it I didn't mean to hurt him. All I could manage on this special day was a smile. I smiled and turned quickly before he could see the tears in my eyes. I would think of him for many, many years mentally kicking myself for letting him slip away. Here I was dating Eric, a guy of no comparison and there, just a few feet away from me, was this young man who had gone out on a limb for me and I let him down. I knew he knew I was dating Eric. Everyone knew and many disapproved.
Graduation had ended. I was surprised when a girl with whom I graduated high school, pushed her way through the crowd to hand me a white rose. "Congratulations, Candace! You did it!" she shouted. I had not expected to see her. I hugged her tightly. I was happy someone was there to hug me. Over her shoulder, I saw a limp I recognized as one belonging to Eric who walked up to me with balloons and flowers. The smile on his face reminded me of a smile satan might wear. Later that evening, he took me to a party at his parents' house. There was food, cake, music and alcohol. I had my first taste of alcohol. The wine cooler burned my throat and sent my mind into a daze. It was the beginning of my life's downward spiral.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
PART THREE: Chapter Three
Chapter Three:
December 1997. Winter Ball at Rhode Island College, my senior year. I decided to go alone and just have fun. I wore a spaghetti-strapped red dress that had to be taken in because I was so skinny. I had worked hard in college and just wanted to dance and have fun before I graduated. A female friend who had recently parted ways with her husband-to-be arrived at my apartment to pick me up and brought her older brother along as her date. She was Liberian and was very proud of it. In my opinion, part of the reason why she didn't want to stay with her husband-to-be was because he was African-American and I would soon learn the intense hatred her family had for African Americans once I became deeply involved with them.
He was a stranger. He was charming, well-dressed and had nice, white teeth. He was quiet as he drove his sister and me to the ball. From the backseat of the car, I watched as he and his sister calmly navigated their way through memorized directions to get us to the ball. Finally, my friend introduced us and when he spoke, his deep voice and the way he bit into his words made my toes curl. He was bad and I knew it. He smelled of badness but his mere presence was hypnotic. I had had only one boyfriend and, thanks to my father's rules and regulations while I lived at home, I had insufficient experience in regards to the entire concept of dating. When I was on my own and free to date, I was actually too busy working and going to school which is why I had that one brief summer romance. My very first kiss was in college from my first boyfriend and, although to me the kiss was magical, it paled in comparison to the experiences of some of my peers. I was still a little girl trapped in the fairy tale world of dating and wanted nothing to do with anything other than hand-holding, hugging and an occasional romantic kiss.
We arrived at the Winter Ball and I was eager to dance even if it meant dancing alone. A female student who was the sister of a girl with whom I worked at the college library seated herself next to my friend's brother and began chatting his ear off with a flood of questions. I temporarily lost interest and raced onto the dance floor alone as soon as the meal was over. I was there to have fun for once and that is what I did. When I returned to the table to rest my feet, I noticed my friend's brother sitting alone and I instantly felt I should involve him in the fun. I asked him to dance and he replied politely, "Wait for a slow song." I agreed and sat down for the remainder of the fast songs. I became a little annoyed when the girl who had chatted off his ear earlier, dragged him onto the floor to dance to a fast song. She was very persistent which astonished me because, according to her sister her family forbade both of them to date guys who were not Cambodian. It was apparent that she wanted whom she wanted. I was exhausted and decided to remain seated until a slow song played for my chance to dance with Prince Charming.
While I rested my feet that were clad in red heels that matched my red dress, I chatted up some of the other people from college whom I either had classes with or whom I recognized from campus. Suddenly, a slow song began to play and Prince Charming was no where to be found. Just as I was growing impatient, he waltzed in, stood in the middle of the floor, extended his hand and motioned for me to dance with him. It was just like something from a fairy tale. All the heads at the tables in front of me turned to look , mouths agape. On the other side of the dance floor, the girl he had danced the fast song with earlier, glared at me as I rose and seemingly floated to meet him. It seemed as if there were no one else but us on the dance floor. He wore a stunning suit that consisted of a white jacket and black pants. His cologne was intoxicating and I could feel myself sinking deeper into his eyes. I heard the word "run" in my mind but I so wanted him to like me. I had such a great need to be liked. I had a void that needed to be filled completely and I was willing to take anyone who even glanced my way despite what I knew in my heart.
Once the night was over, the magical dance ended and I was safely back into my apartment, I felt as though I had been to the Royal Ball and actually danced with a real prince. Kicking off my shoes, I grabbed my cat and twirled around in the middle of my living room floor with him held above my head. I twirled through the dining area, down the hall and into my bedroom where I plopped onto my bed exhausted. My cat, confused, bolted back into the living room where I had initially snatched him, disturbing his nap. I dreamed of the dance repeatedly and how it felt to be held. I replayed him beckoning me onto the dance floor and smiled at all the people who turned to look at me in awe. Yes! I was someone special! I was important! It was as tough I were Cinderella at the ball. I told myself that I would call my friend tomorrow and inquire about her brother. I didn't know that my friend had intended to call me anyway and ask me what I thought of her brother.
If only I had not been so desperate I could have avoided what would later become the scariest four years of my life. Why was I so hungry for love? Why wasn't I satisfied with just being alone and learning to love myself?
December 1997. Winter Ball at Rhode Island College, my senior year. I decided to go alone and just have fun. I wore a spaghetti-strapped red dress that had to be taken in because I was so skinny. I had worked hard in college and just wanted to dance and have fun before I graduated. A female friend who had recently parted ways with her husband-to-be arrived at my apartment to pick me up and brought her older brother along as her date. She was Liberian and was very proud of it. In my opinion, part of the reason why she didn't want to stay with her husband-to-be was because he was African-American and I would soon learn the intense hatred her family had for African Americans once I became deeply involved with them.
He was a stranger. He was charming, well-dressed and had nice, white teeth. He was quiet as he drove his sister and me to the ball. From the backseat of the car, I watched as he and his sister calmly navigated their way through memorized directions to get us to the ball. Finally, my friend introduced us and when he spoke, his deep voice and the way he bit into his words made my toes curl. He was bad and I knew it. He smelled of badness but his mere presence was hypnotic. I had had only one boyfriend and, thanks to my father's rules and regulations while I lived at home, I had insufficient experience in regards to the entire concept of dating. When I was on my own and free to date, I was actually too busy working and going to school which is why I had that one brief summer romance. My very first kiss was in college from my first boyfriend and, although to me the kiss was magical, it paled in comparison to the experiences of some of my peers. I was still a little girl trapped in the fairy tale world of dating and wanted nothing to do with anything other than hand-holding, hugging and an occasional romantic kiss.
We arrived at the Winter Ball and I was eager to dance even if it meant dancing alone. A female student who was the sister of a girl with whom I worked at the college library seated herself next to my friend's brother and began chatting his ear off with a flood of questions. I temporarily lost interest and raced onto the dance floor alone as soon as the meal was over. I was there to have fun for once and that is what I did. When I returned to the table to rest my feet, I noticed my friend's brother sitting alone and I instantly felt I should involve him in the fun. I asked him to dance and he replied politely, "Wait for a slow song." I agreed and sat down for the remainder of the fast songs. I became a little annoyed when the girl who had chatted off his ear earlier, dragged him onto the floor to dance to a fast song. She was very persistent which astonished me because, according to her sister her family forbade both of them to date guys who were not Cambodian. It was apparent that she wanted whom she wanted. I was exhausted and decided to remain seated until a slow song played for my chance to dance with Prince Charming.
While I rested my feet that were clad in red heels that matched my red dress, I chatted up some of the other people from college whom I either had classes with or whom I recognized from campus. Suddenly, a slow song began to play and Prince Charming was no where to be found. Just as I was growing impatient, he waltzed in, stood in the middle of the floor, extended his hand and motioned for me to dance with him. It was just like something from a fairy tale. All the heads at the tables in front of me turned to look , mouths agape. On the other side of the dance floor, the girl he had danced the fast song with earlier, glared at me as I rose and seemingly floated to meet him. It seemed as if there were no one else but us on the dance floor. He wore a stunning suit that consisted of a white jacket and black pants. His cologne was intoxicating and I could feel myself sinking deeper into his eyes. I heard the word "run" in my mind but I so wanted him to like me. I had such a great need to be liked. I had a void that needed to be filled completely and I was willing to take anyone who even glanced my way despite what I knew in my heart.
Once the night was over, the magical dance ended and I was safely back into my apartment, I felt as though I had been to the Royal Ball and actually danced with a real prince. Kicking off my shoes, I grabbed my cat and twirled around in the middle of my living room floor with him held above my head. I twirled through the dining area, down the hall and into my bedroom where I plopped onto my bed exhausted. My cat, confused, bolted back into the living room where I had initially snatched him, disturbing his nap. I dreamed of the dance repeatedly and how it felt to be held. I replayed him beckoning me onto the dance floor and smiled at all the people who turned to look at me in awe. Yes! I was someone special! I was important! It was as tough I were Cinderella at the ball. I told myself that I would call my friend tomorrow and inquire about her brother. I didn't know that my friend had intended to call me anyway and ask me what I thought of her brother.
If only I had not been so desperate I could have avoided what would later become the scariest four years of my life. Why was I so hungry for love? Why wasn't I satisfied with just being alone and learning to love myself?
Sunday, December 18, 2011
PART THREE: Chapter Two
Chapter Two
Although my soul often felt empty, I began a period of peace and reflection. It was during these quiet and peaceful times of reflection that I sensed the presence of God all around me. I sensed His presence in a gentle breeze, the rustle of the trees or the gentle blush of dawn. My soul was at peace and others would often comment and observe my new manner. I could spend hours when I was not at work or class sitting on my sofa gazing at the sky, a soft smile upon my face as though I were listening to something. I cannot actually explain this period of time in my life without seeming odd because my spirit comprehends it fully while the rest of my being just accepts it. I felt that God and I had a tight relationship. When RoJacks took over Edwards, they severely cut the hours of veteran employees like me instead of outright laying us off. I found myself short on funds due to lack of hours but, for some reason, I had faith that God would help me. I had no one else to rely upon but Him. I recall one time, I was unable to pay my rent which was due in a few days. My prayer to God was like a conversation with my best friend. I thanked Him for all that He had done and promised I'd thank and praise Him for helping me. After I had finished with my prayer, I had confidence that He would help me and He did. Before the rent was due, I received a refund check of twelve hundred dollars-far more than my rent- from my college loans. I rushed to the bank and was not only able to pay my rent for the month but for a few months. I did not forget to thank and praise God and I could not believe that He actually answered my prayers. Despite my relationship with God, I still had a void deep within my soul.
I continued to long for the companionship of another human being to replace the lack of love from my parents. Many people on campus didn't fully understand me and some even labeled me "odd". I didn't want to be a mystery to others but I didn't want to let them get too close to me, either. I had the bad habit of looking for love in the wrong places because love was something I wanted more than anything. In regards to boyfriends in college, I had only the one who went into a cult and that relationship happened by accident.
I was walking home from working at the library one night and I saw him dancing and walking simultaneously ahead of me. He and I went to high school together and were the same age. Due to some personal problems he and his family were having, he didn't graduate when I did. He had appeared in my life a few weeks before this particular night when we were riding the city bus and he invited me to his breakdancing performance. I brushed off his invitation and hadn't seen him again until this night. At the time, I wasn't aware he was staying with his mother and her boyfriend who just happened to live behind my apartment complex. When he noticed I was behind him, he laughed and said, "I didn't know you were behind me, Candace. Color me red!" I laughed as well. He walked me to the door of my apartment and asked if he could visit me one day. He told me that he promised not to try anything and he held true to his promise. We became good friends. I felt comfortable around him. Our friendship was all so innocent. The attention he gave me was sweet. One afternoon, he had asked me if I'd be his girlfriend and I agreed. He was the first guy who had ever kissed me. I liked the innocence of holding hands and was devastated when our brief relationship came to an end. I felt in my heart no one would ever like me like that again. He didn't run away when I told him about my abuse as a child and, after he left for the cult, I felt like a fool for bearing my soul to him. I promised myself that I'd never do that to again, a promise I did not keep.
Unfortunately, my desperation for love was written on my forehead and people could often read it in my eyes before my lips spoke anything. This was bad for me as it often made me the one used and tossed aside by men claiming to love me. During one of my college years, I thought I was dating one of the basketball players on campus who was extremely kind to me and even professed to love me. Despite his claim of love for me, I refused to give up my body to him. He continued to be kind to me, and came to my apartment one Christmas Eve with a gift for me and a pile of gifts for his family that he and I wrapped together. Shortly afterwards, he landed a main part in a play on campus and his kindness towards me began to fade away. Nevertheless, he continued to tell me he was still interested in me but was just so busy with the theatre, basketball and classes. I didn't realize what was actually happening until two friends of mine had asked him what he was going to get me for Valentine's Day during a Valentine's Day sale in the cafeteria. In response, he told my friends that he had nothing to do with me and that people "needed to stop going around saying he and I were dating". When word of this got back to me, I wrote him off without even telling him. Afterall, we weren't really dating, now were we? He had no idea I knew what had transpired that same afternoon when he came to visit me at work as he had always done in the library. He was angry when I treated him as if he were just another library patron looking for some help and angrily stormed out of the library. One of my friends who lived on campus had called me at the library telling me that he had called her screaming and asking her what she had said to me because I was "being cold to him". She didn't answer him directly but played the same game I had and asked him why he was so worried about someone he was not even dating.
This basketball player was very popular on campus and had many girls attracted to him and he was well aware of it. Although I felt very sad because he was ashamed to let others know he was dating me, I continued to walk go about my daily routines. I cried a lot when no one was around. Why didn't anyone want to be with me? Was I that hideous that I was an embarrassment? My friends were very encouraging and actually felt sorry for me. I had allowed myself to be hurt yet again. Maybe my father was right when he said that I was "only good enough for one thing" and that no one would want me for anything else but that. If I didn't let them have my body, then they had no use for me.
I did continue to see this basketball player on campus and he continued calling me and tried talking to me but each time, I gave him the coldest of the cold shoulders. A male friend of mine would pretend to be dating me whenever the basketball player tried talking to me. He'd put his arm around me or sit close to me and stare the six-foot four basketball player straight in the eyes. These actions often created an awkward moment for the basketball player and a humorous one for my friend. One day, my friend wanted to talk to me about a problem he was having and decided to walk me to my apartment talk to me while he was on his hour lunch break from work. I noticed the basketball player and his basketball buddies walking behind us on their way to their dorm which was close to my off-campus apartment. Aware of their presence, my friend suddenly grabbed me, pulling me close to him and shouted, "Candace, I NEED you!" which sent me into fits of uncontrollable laughter. I wanted to see the reaction on the faces of the jock crew behind us but didn't want to make it obvious. They stopped at their dorm and sat on the stairs which were in full view of my apartment at the bottom of the hill. They watched us walk down the hill to my apartment.
Looking over his shoulder, my friend said, "Let's go inside for a bit."
Aware of how he wanted this action to appear, I exclaimed, "Are you crazy? They"ll beat you up!"
"Yeah, but this is going to be fun." he replied, puffing out his chest. After a half hour of him playing with my new kitten and him glaring out the window at the crew who were still sitting on the steps, my friend decided it was time to leave.
"Don't walk me out." my friend said. My friend smoked and his girlfriend who was also my good friend had been trying to get him to quit and he was making great progress. I reprimanded him, when he reached for his cigarette and lighter in his back pocket.
"What are you doing?" I screamed.
Winking at me, he walked toward the door. "Watch this. This is gonna be fun. This is for you." Standing outside my first floor apartment door, he lit his cigarette, puffed a few times and headed up the hill past the crowd of basketball players sitting on the steps. When my friend arrived at work, he called me to excitedly tell me how he confidently walked past the crew, puffing his cigarette and how the basketball player who was my ex glared at him and mumbled something to one member of his crew. My friend and I had a great laugh. I needed a lot of cheering up. I had been so embarrassed that, at times, I felt as if everyone on campus were secretly laughing at me.
When was I going to learn that no one but God could replace the emptiness within my soul? Why did I continue to try to bandage the hurt with human comfort? I had to first deal with my past and understand them before I could truthfully love myself before someone could truthfully love me in return. I wasn't done making mistakes and getting hurt. During my senior year of college, I made a very big mistake that eventually cost me my tight relationship with God. I truly believe that I had let the devil himself into my little world and almost paid for it with my life.
Although my soul often felt empty, I began a period of peace and reflection. It was during these quiet and peaceful times of reflection that I sensed the presence of God all around me. I sensed His presence in a gentle breeze, the rustle of the trees or the gentle blush of dawn. My soul was at peace and others would often comment and observe my new manner. I could spend hours when I was not at work or class sitting on my sofa gazing at the sky, a soft smile upon my face as though I were listening to something. I cannot actually explain this period of time in my life without seeming odd because my spirit comprehends it fully while the rest of my being just accepts it. I felt that God and I had a tight relationship. When RoJacks took over Edwards, they severely cut the hours of veteran employees like me instead of outright laying us off. I found myself short on funds due to lack of hours but, for some reason, I had faith that God would help me. I had no one else to rely upon but Him. I recall one time, I was unable to pay my rent which was due in a few days. My prayer to God was like a conversation with my best friend. I thanked Him for all that He had done and promised I'd thank and praise Him for helping me. After I had finished with my prayer, I had confidence that He would help me and He did. Before the rent was due, I received a refund check of twelve hundred dollars-far more than my rent- from my college loans. I rushed to the bank and was not only able to pay my rent for the month but for a few months. I did not forget to thank and praise God and I could not believe that He actually answered my prayers. Despite my relationship with God, I still had a void deep within my soul.
I continued to long for the companionship of another human being to replace the lack of love from my parents. Many people on campus didn't fully understand me and some even labeled me "odd". I didn't want to be a mystery to others but I didn't want to let them get too close to me, either. I had the bad habit of looking for love in the wrong places because love was something I wanted more than anything. In regards to boyfriends in college, I had only the one who went into a cult and that relationship happened by accident.
I was walking home from working at the library one night and I saw him dancing and walking simultaneously ahead of me. He and I went to high school together and were the same age. Due to some personal problems he and his family were having, he didn't graduate when I did. He had appeared in my life a few weeks before this particular night when we were riding the city bus and he invited me to his breakdancing performance. I brushed off his invitation and hadn't seen him again until this night. At the time, I wasn't aware he was staying with his mother and her boyfriend who just happened to live behind my apartment complex. When he noticed I was behind him, he laughed and said, "I didn't know you were behind me, Candace. Color me red!" I laughed as well. He walked me to the door of my apartment and asked if he could visit me one day. He told me that he promised not to try anything and he held true to his promise. We became good friends. I felt comfortable around him. Our friendship was all so innocent. The attention he gave me was sweet. One afternoon, he had asked me if I'd be his girlfriend and I agreed. He was the first guy who had ever kissed me. I liked the innocence of holding hands and was devastated when our brief relationship came to an end. I felt in my heart no one would ever like me like that again. He didn't run away when I told him about my abuse as a child and, after he left for the cult, I felt like a fool for bearing my soul to him. I promised myself that I'd never do that to again, a promise I did not keep.
Unfortunately, my desperation for love was written on my forehead and people could often read it in my eyes before my lips spoke anything. This was bad for me as it often made me the one used and tossed aside by men claiming to love me. During one of my college years, I thought I was dating one of the basketball players on campus who was extremely kind to me and even professed to love me. Despite his claim of love for me, I refused to give up my body to him. He continued to be kind to me, and came to my apartment one Christmas Eve with a gift for me and a pile of gifts for his family that he and I wrapped together. Shortly afterwards, he landed a main part in a play on campus and his kindness towards me began to fade away. Nevertheless, he continued to tell me he was still interested in me but was just so busy with the theatre, basketball and classes. I didn't realize what was actually happening until two friends of mine had asked him what he was going to get me for Valentine's Day during a Valentine's Day sale in the cafeteria. In response, he told my friends that he had nothing to do with me and that people "needed to stop going around saying he and I were dating". When word of this got back to me, I wrote him off without even telling him. Afterall, we weren't really dating, now were we? He had no idea I knew what had transpired that same afternoon when he came to visit me at work as he had always done in the library. He was angry when I treated him as if he were just another library patron looking for some help and angrily stormed out of the library. One of my friends who lived on campus had called me at the library telling me that he had called her screaming and asking her what she had said to me because I was "being cold to him". She didn't answer him directly but played the same game I had and asked him why he was so worried about someone he was not even dating.
This basketball player was very popular on campus and had many girls attracted to him and he was well aware of it. Although I felt very sad because he was ashamed to let others know he was dating me, I continued to walk go about my daily routines. I cried a lot when no one was around. Why didn't anyone want to be with me? Was I that hideous that I was an embarrassment? My friends were very encouraging and actually felt sorry for me. I had allowed myself to be hurt yet again. Maybe my father was right when he said that I was "only good enough for one thing" and that no one would want me for anything else but that. If I didn't let them have my body, then they had no use for me.
I did continue to see this basketball player on campus and he continued calling me and tried talking to me but each time, I gave him the coldest of the cold shoulders. A male friend of mine would pretend to be dating me whenever the basketball player tried talking to me. He'd put his arm around me or sit close to me and stare the six-foot four basketball player straight in the eyes. These actions often created an awkward moment for the basketball player and a humorous one for my friend. One day, my friend wanted to talk to me about a problem he was having and decided to walk me to my apartment talk to me while he was on his hour lunch break from work. I noticed the basketball player and his basketball buddies walking behind us on their way to their dorm which was close to my off-campus apartment. Aware of their presence, my friend suddenly grabbed me, pulling me close to him and shouted, "Candace, I NEED you!" which sent me into fits of uncontrollable laughter. I wanted to see the reaction on the faces of the jock crew behind us but didn't want to make it obvious. They stopped at their dorm and sat on the stairs which were in full view of my apartment at the bottom of the hill. They watched us walk down the hill to my apartment.
Looking over his shoulder, my friend said, "Let's go inside for a bit."
Aware of how he wanted this action to appear, I exclaimed, "Are you crazy? They"ll beat you up!"
"Yeah, but this is going to be fun." he replied, puffing out his chest. After a half hour of him playing with my new kitten and him glaring out the window at the crew who were still sitting on the steps, my friend decided it was time to leave.
"Don't walk me out." my friend said. My friend smoked and his girlfriend who was also my good friend had been trying to get him to quit and he was making great progress. I reprimanded him, when he reached for his cigarette and lighter in his back pocket.
"What are you doing?" I screamed.
Winking at me, he walked toward the door. "Watch this. This is gonna be fun. This is for you." Standing outside my first floor apartment door, he lit his cigarette, puffed a few times and headed up the hill past the crowd of basketball players sitting on the steps. When my friend arrived at work, he called me to excitedly tell me how he confidently walked past the crew, puffing his cigarette and how the basketball player who was my ex glared at him and mumbled something to one member of his crew. My friend and I had a great laugh. I needed a lot of cheering up. I had been so embarrassed that, at times, I felt as if everyone on campus were secretly laughing at me.
When was I going to learn that no one but God could replace the emptiness within my soul? Why did I continue to try to bandage the hurt with human comfort? I had to first deal with my past and understand them before I could truthfully love myself before someone could truthfully love me in return. I wasn't done making mistakes and getting hurt. During my senior year of college, I made a very big mistake that eventually cost me my tight relationship with God. I truly believe that I had let the devil himself into my little world and almost paid for it with my life.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
PART THREE:
Chapter One
As the distance between my brother and me grew, I buried myself in working two jobs and going to college full time. I worked in the Circulation Department at Adams Library on the Rhode Island College Campus and at Edwards Supermarket on Niantic Avenue on the Providence/Cranston line. My days were a blur of classes and work. I'd get up at 5a.m. after working until midnight at the library the night before and catch the bus to Edwards where I was known as a speedy and friendly cashier (and, because of that, was often graced with ringing up in the Express Lane). I hid my sadness by giving my friendliness to customers, greeting them and making them feel special. It made me feel good to cause others to smile.
Because I was always working and going to classes, I lost a lot of weight very quickly. I was down to a size 4 then a 2 and, finally a size 0. Many people began to notice and wondered if I were ill. An guy in one of my classes with whom I was friendly happened to see me working at the library and bluntly asked me in his Italian accent, "Hey, what's the matter with you? You sick?" I was shocked that he even had the nerve to go there. He continued, " Why you getting so skinny? To be honest, you'd look better with a little more meat on your bones." I was hurt. I was happy that I was skinny but I hadn't realized just how skinny I had gotten. I was working so hard. I walked almost everywhere except to Edwards alhtough I often walked from Edwards on Sundays when I missed the last bus. It was a long walk in pumps but I somehow, didn't feel the pain in my feet. Sometimes, I even walked carrying two bags of groceries (paper AND plastic, of course).
The guy I was seeing broke up with me after only two weeks of dating because he was convinced by a campus cult to give up everything and everyone and follow them. He told me that I was causing him to sin and that his parents never really loved him. It was so unexpected. He came to greet me at my new job at CVS at closing and, on the way home via the city bus, he said to me, " God doesn't want us to be together anymore."I was so shocked and then angry. We were having a great time and I could see that it was hurting him to break up with me. Before we had even broken up, I had a dream that we went to a playground in North Providence, RI but the strange thing was that there was only one swing and the swing set and it was gently blowing in the wind. I knew it was a sign from God but I didn't know what it meant. I had never been to that playground until a few days following the dream. It was an odd feeling. I should have knew at that point that something was going to happen and that I'd be left alone just like the lonely swing that moved with the breeze. I tried to convince him that the cult was wrong and even went to the Chaplain on campus to ask for help. The Chaplain was aware of the cult and told me how they had managed to convince many students to surrender cars, money and even courses of study to go with them. I left a Bible at my boyfriend's house with a few passages marked. The Bible was returned to me with a lengthy, heart-wrenching note. He was going to Louisiana and he wasn't interested (or so he said) in dating me anymore. I cried as I remembered how he once said I could trust him and how we used to go for walks in the warm August weather and run through sprinklers on lawns of houses and businesses. I had opened my heart and I had been hurt.
My heart felt numb. I had managed to harden it so that I wouldn't get hurt. I was afraid of getting too close to anyone but, nevertheless, wanted someone to love me anyway. In my walks about campus, I'd look at all the young, attractive college girls chatting up the guys and felt so ugly. I didn't have nice clothes. I didn't have a car. In fact I got my driver's license late because my father called my driving trainer school and told them I felt uncomfortable driving with a male teacher which was totally incorrect. The driving school dropped me and I had to wait until after I ran away to explain to the school what had actually happened. I was so embarrassed.
I carried that embarrassment with me throughout my college years. I had no desire for sex, just for someone to love me purely. I knew it was only a dream but I liked to dream. I knew people began to think I was a bit strange. I sometimes felt eyes pierce into my back when I'd walk by the cafeteria windows. I knew no one would want "the weirdo" on campus. It seemed all anyone cared about was figuring out my ethnicity as I was repeatedly asked, "What are you" instead of "What's your name". A group of girls who had someone found out I was part Native American screamed at me as I walked into the college cafeteria, "You stupid Indian! Go put a feather in your head! Heya, heya, heya!" They followed their loud comments by even louder laughs, causing heads to turn in my direction as my face and neck burned from embarrassment. Weeks later, I returned to my spot in the library where studied to find, "Stop educating niggas" and a swastika spray painted on the wall. Horrified, I ran, tears streaming from my eyes. What did I do? I was not the only person of color on campus. What had I done to be so despised? How I wanted to die! I was beginning to believe that I had actually been cursed. What was this hell on earth that I had been drenched in? Would it ever get any better? When would my days get brighter?
Chapter One
As the distance between my brother and me grew, I buried myself in working two jobs and going to college full time. I worked in the Circulation Department at Adams Library on the Rhode Island College Campus and at Edwards Supermarket on Niantic Avenue on the Providence/Cranston line. My days were a blur of classes and work. I'd get up at 5a.m. after working until midnight at the library the night before and catch the bus to Edwards where I was known as a speedy and friendly cashier (and, because of that, was often graced with ringing up in the Express Lane). I hid my sadness by giving my friendliness to customers, greeting them and making them feel special. It made me feel good to cause others to smile.
Because I was always working and going to classes, I lost a lot of weight very quickly. I was down to a size 4 then a 2 and, finally a size 0. Many people began to notice and wondered if I were ill. An guy in one of my classes with whom I was friendly happened to see me working at the library and bluntly asked me in his Italian accent, "Hey, what's the matter with you? You sick?" I was shocked that he even had the nerve to go there. He continued, " Why you getting so skinny? To be honest, you'd look better with a little more meat on your bones." I was hurt. I was happy that I was skinny but I hadn't realized just how skinny I had gotten. I was working so hard. I walked almost everywhere except to Edwards alhtough I often walked from Edwards on Sundays when I missed the last bus. It was a long walk in pumps but I somehow, didn't feel the pain in my feet. Sometimes, I even walked carrying two bags of groceries (paper AND plastic, of course).
The guy I was seeing broke up with me after only two weeks of dating because he was convinced by a campus cult to give up everything and everyone and follow them. He told me that I was causing him to sin and that his parents never really loved him. It was so unexpected. He came to greet me at my new job at CVS at closing and, on the way home via the city bus, he said to me, " God doesn't want us to be together anymore."I was so shocked and then angry. We were having a great time and I could see that it was hurting him to break up with me. Before we had even broken up, I had a dream that we went to a playground in North Providence, RI but the strange thing was that there was only one swing and the swing set and it was gently blowing in the wind. I knew it was a sign from God but I didn't know what it meant. I had never been to that playground until a few days following the dream. It was an odd feeling. I should have knew at that point that something was going to happen and that I'd be left alone just like the lonely swing that moved with the breeze. I tried to convince him that the cult was wrong and even went to the Chaplain on campus to ask for help. The Chaplain was aware of the cult and told me how they had managed to convince many students to surrender cars, money and even courses of study to go with them. I left a Bible at my boyfriend's house with a few passages marked. The Bible was returned to me with a lengthy, heart-wrenching note. He was going to Louisiana and he wasn't interested (or so he said) in dating me anymore. I cried as I remembered how he once said I could trust him and how we used to go for walks in the warm August weather and run through sprinklers on lawns of houses and businesses. I had opened my heart and I had been hurt.
My heart felt numb. I had managed to harden it so that I wouldn't get hurt. I was afraid of getting too close to anyone but, nevertheless, wanted someone to love me anyway. In my walks about campus, I'd look at all the young, attractive college girls chatting up the guys and felt so ugly. I didn't have nice clothes. I didn't have a car. In fact I got my driver's license late because my father called my driving trainer school and told them I felt uncomfortable driving with a male teacher which was totally incorrect. The driving school dropped me and I had to wait until after I ran away to explain to the school what had actually happened. I was so embarrassed.
I carried that embarrassment with me throughout my college years. I had no desire for sex, just for someone to love me purely. I knew it was only a dream but I liked to dream. I knew people began to think I was a bit strange. I sometimes felt eyes pierce into my back when I'd walk by the cafeteria windows. I knew no one would want "the weirdo" on campus. It seemed all anyone cared about was figuring out my ethnicity as I was repeatedly asked, "What are you" instead of "What's your name". A group of girls who had someone found out I was part Native American screamed at me as I walked into the college cafeteria, "You stupid Indian! Go put a feather in your head! Heya, heya, heya!" They followed their loud comments by even louder laughs, causing heads to turn in my direction as my face and neck burned from embarrassment. Weeks later, I returned to my spot in the library where studied to find, "Stop educating niggas" and a swastika spray painted on the wall. Horrified, I ran, tears streaming from my eyes. What did I do? I was not the only person of color on campus. What had I done to be so despised? How I wanted to die! I was beginning to believe that I had actually been cursed. What was this hell on earth that I had been drenched in? Would it ever get any better? When would my days get brighter?
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Chapter Four
As promised, I wrote my brother a few times a week. I never wrote my return address on the envelopes and I assume that sparked suspicion within my father. I discovered that my father was hiding all of my letters in a cabinet drawer much like he started hiding all of the mail addressed to me while I was still living at home. It reminded me of a certain scene in "The Color Purple", a movie he repeatedly forced me to watch while, his eyes invasively crawled all over my body. During a sex scene in the movie, he would always say, "That's why I'm trying to teach you."My brother would not be forced to watch the movie. He was free to play and hang out in his bedroom.
My brother never received the gifts I sent him for Christmas. I wondered why he never said, "thank you". I never heard from my brother and assumed he was angry with me for leaving him. Once again, I was sad. I loved him so much. Why hadn't he sent a response through my half-sister? I’d never forgive myself for leaving him.
I phoned my half-sister and arranged a day when she could bring my brother to see me. I remember how anxious I was about seeing him again. I couldn't wait to throw my arms about him and squeeze him with all my might. The meeting was not as great as I had thought it would be. He was angry and I didn't know why. Through his anger, however, I sensed sadness and fear. Why hadn't he taken my mother up on her offer and go live with her? He was her only son and a favorite of hers, so she'd do anything for him. She'd lavish him with gifts and would probably send him to the best schools, at least this is what I though.
When my brother also discovered that I was dating a guy who was half white, he started yelling at me. It was obvious he had inherited my father’s hatred for white people. He was so angry with me and I was so hurt. I knew he, too, was hurting and I assumed my father bad mouthed me. There was my little brother, tall, handsome and muscular eyes red with sadness and his face etched with pain. Why hadn't I taken the chance and taken him with me when I ran away? What had happened to him? He was the only person I loved. Why couldn't he love me back like a brother should his sister?
Eventually, my brother and I lost touch and it hurt deeply. I poured myself into working two jobs and doing well in my college courses. I didn't have much of a social life outside school. I didn't go to clubs like many others did on Thursday nights. In fact, I was working the midnight shift. My college years were years of growth, development and self-discovery. I was often inspired to write poetry that echoed my sadness with the situation of my brother and my abuse. I often asked God for answers. I wrote my best poetic pieces when I was engrossed in reflection. It was during these years that I was the most at one with nature. I was my most spiritual self, whole and receptive to the natural world around me. Much like my Native American ancestors, I was able to “communicate” with the natural world and draw strength from it. I was labeled "odd", "eccentric" yet many wanted to be friends with me. I feared getting too close because I feared my secret being discovered.
I was finally free. God had delivered me. My father would hurt me no more. I was safe and I was going to be something in the world one day, I'd tell myself. No one would insult me daily and tell me how ugly I looked or how stupid females were. I didn’t have to hear disgusting sexual noises at night. The peace that I so longed for was upon me. This was a new life. This was a new beginning.
Or was it?
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Chapter Three
My freedom was at hand and I was finally feeling happy. My new apartment was cozy and furnished. My rent was $450/ month and my only expenses were electric and telephone, both of which were surprisingly low. I told my brother the date I’d be leaving. I could sense his fear. He was afraid of my father but he had the option of living with my mother, an option I was never offered by her. All he had to do was not come home after school and go meet my mother. I, on the other hand had no such luxury. It was as if my mother left me for dead.
In an unmarked moving van, I sat almost breathless as we awaited the arrival of the police. I had called the police just in case my father got crazy and grabbed one of his many guns he kept in his bedroom. For some reason, my father looked as if he knew I was leaving. He came out the front door and got into his car, driving away from the house. I noticed my brother walking down the street. His face was tight and his cheeks were streaked with tears. He blindly walked passed the unmarked van. When the police escort arrived, they questioned a neighbor about my residence and I was allowed to unlock the door and frantically gather my belongings. My friends had my things packed in the van in less than a half hour. Before I left, I turned to my brother whose eyes were red. “Take me with you!” he wailed and my heart was instantly torn in two. At the time, I knew that since my brother was under legal age, I’d get in trouble for taking him with me. My safety would be jeapordized and there was no telling what my father would do once he found me.
I hugged my brother and placed my copy of the key on the dining room table. My brother said that he had seen our father’s car circling the neighborhood so I had to hurry. The police officer questioned me about my father. My father could make anyone believe he was an innocent old man as he did many of the Providence Police Officers, especially those who were unaware of the many public fights at our former house on Sumter Street. He often waved at the police officers while he aimlessly leaned against the porch watching life pass by. He had a lot of people fooled and then there were some closed lipped people whojust turned a blind eye to what was in front of their faces.
“Good luck.” My brother whispered as I tightly hugged him goodbye. I told him that I would be in touch. I loved my brother so very much despite the mean things he said to me. I knew he just didn’t understand. I loved him more than I loved anyone at the time. A flood of emotions washed over me but I remained strong. I didn’t cry until I was in the van and we pulled away.
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